An important discovery

Last month at my Toltec Mitote ceremony, our wise and wonderful Rainbow Marifrog shared an observation she'd noted with her shamanic eyes: how I hold myself back. In that instance the observation pertained to the Baby Jags group who started the Toltec work I began last year in May. Rainbow saw how I held myself at a distance from them. When she asked me about it I immediately recognized the accuracy of her observation, which became the invitation I've been working with ever since: why do I hold myself at a distance from others?

Oh my. What I found within is something I've carried most of my life. I have perceived the world and people around me as potential threats to my tender young heart. Growing up with a mother who is an addict prompted a pattern of awareness that served to protect me, but as I aged the pattern became a barrier to intimacy. I have held myself at a remove, paralyzed by fear of rejection and judgement.

An addict's first love, their highest priority is their substance or means of numbing themselves. I was a highly sensitive child, empathetic, vulnerable - and I experienced my mother's addiction as rejection. To this day I experience addiction as rejection, which is why it's hard for me to be around someone who is actively addictive.

My father was loving, and I have 2 brothers who I know care about me. Love, music and laughter were alive in our home. I think I've been perceived by others as a happy person: light, loving, fun.

Unbeknownst to even me there has been a kernel of fear churning within, knocking around, gaining mass. My goal is, that as I face this fear, confront the lie of rejection and judgement, that a pearl will emerge - shimmering with compassion, forgiveness and mercy.

I have lost many opportunities to engage with people I genuinely love. My intention moving forward is to be present to what is and stop searching every interaction with a negative bias, to notice the beauty in those I encounter.

This scares me, my inner little girl. I read this moving blogpost from a woman, Angeliska,
learning to self-mother/reparent herself. It is a poignant read that resonated deeply. Luckily for me I've got a tribe (a tribe a rarely reach out to, because of this fear) of support and Milo to help me on my way.

pictured: Milo

I've got work to do, but hey, I think this is why we're here.

Cultivating wholeness

Emerging from entrenched patterns of thinking, I am pleased to be able to tease apart essential truths from what is now compostable. Gazing back at a murky scramble of emotional pain and confusing experience, the embedded spiral thread of my authenticity becomes the DNA link between my history and my future.The victimhood I've become aware of can rest on the riverbank, exhausted from the effort to be seen and saved. I cradle her daily, and, more certain of her safety, she is integrating with me, trusting me, and guiding my awareness. She knows where underlying roots and rocks distort the stream, steering my vessel on a truer course.

[ meet Milo, my sock monkey ]

When my young traumatized self flew out of me, thrashing and wailing, pointing to all the injustices I hadn't recognized as such, my awareness tipped toward all the wrongs, throbbing with shame and dismay. Today, having patiently stirred my pot while adjusting the ingredients of my brew, the complexity of my being is manifesting with a balanced palate of flavors.

[ my cliff-side tree in March ]

I can recognize again the beautiful sweetness I've tasted, the sparkle of love I have received and given, the exquisite sensuality I have savored with lovers over the course of my life - all tempered by a dash of bitterness, a pinch of the brackish, a note of sour grapes.  Returning to wholeness, joyful memories outnumber the traumas by an overwhelming margin, a semblance of homeostasis is available again. I can return to my regularly scheduled programming.

Except, my programming is no longer what it was. In fact, programming is the last thing I want to return to. What I am returning to is my center, a place I am creating anew each day, attuning my being to the rhythm of nature, honoring the seasonal and cyclical, observing what is, adapting to the song of her. Trusting my intuition to lead me in harmonic resonance, the music of my life has become more improvisational, less strident, more nuanced.

[ I see an anatomical heart here. Do you? ]

 I'm feeling ready to play again. Yay!

Contractions

I'm still here - making progress in fits-and-starts - regressing - moving forward. That is the pattern of birth, isn't it? Sometimes blissful, others jarringly painful, my movement toward authenticity continues. I don't want to go back, that is certain. It's the uncharted way forward that freaks me out some days. But I have regained trust - in myself, in what I know, in who I want to be - which is all I hoped for.

[ Pip next to my latest completed projects ]

I'm still knitting, though with less fervor and at a calmer pace as-of-late. I've tried to cast-on a new project twice now, and both times it looked wrong. I swear I was casting on the same as every other damn time I knit a fucking washcloth, but both attempts failed and I had to pull it apart and pause before starting over. Rather than berate myself for my failure, I'm pausing to witness my goings-on. What is the barrier I'm facing?

I trust I'll figure it out and find the way forward.

Vulnerability is Beautiful

I've spent a lot of time putting on a show. I was a fear-full child, but learned to cope by throwing myself into uncomfortable situations and, along the way, found I could survive what I feared by over-riding my gut instincts. Wow! Such success. By the time I was in my 50s I'd established a pattern grounded in going way outside my comfort zone. Granted, that comfort zone was small and needed expansion -but- there was a fundamental flaw to this scenario: I left a part of myself behind -  where it was trampled, stomped on and flattened by a vast herd of toxic masculinity, misogyny, self-loathing and shame. All the vulnerability and innocence I thought was lost, however, was just waiting for me to rediscover it - to honor, nurture and coax it back to life.

After the 2017 holidays and start of the New Year, I found I needed to pull my energy back in. Thinking about my Toltec awakening and what I learned, I've come to a place where my energetic being needs my presence and care. The established pattern of thrusting myself into discomfort no longer serves the evolution of my consciousness. I'm finding boundaries I didn't know existed and am playing with the awareness, sometimes over-reacting, but thankful I've found my edges, my center. I'm still finding what's in-between. Perhaps that's for me to create?

New Year, new yarn, new project for me: a shawl

Balancing the need to continue taking risks with the need to honor my inner guide will be a challenge. This is where my village will help me. Here's a quote from a poster that was on the wall of my high school guidance counselor. Decades later, these words radiate a truth I recognized long ago when I memorized them:
   
     Because we cannot see all of ourselves, by ourselves, therefore we need one another if we are to get in touch with all that is in any one of us. - author unknown

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Thank you for being a part of my village!