Oh my. What I found within is something I've carried most of my life. I have perceived the world and people around me as potential threats to my tender young heart. Growing up with a mother who is an addict prompted a pattern of awareness that served to protect me, but as I aged the pattern became a barrier to intimacy. I have held myself at a remove, paralyzed by fear of rejection and judgement.
An addict's first love, their highest priority is their substance or means of numbing themselves. I was a highly sensitive child, empathetic, vulnerable - and I experienced my mother's addiction as rejection. To this day I experience addiction as rejection, which is why it's hard for me to be around someone who is actively addictive.
My father was loving, and I have 2 brothers who I know care about me. Love, music and laughter were alive in our home. I think I've been perceived by others as a happy person: light, loving, fun.
Unbeknownst to even me there has been a kernel of fear churning within, knocking around, gaining mass. My goal is, that as I face this fear, confront the lie of rejection and judgement, that a pearl will emerge - shimmering with compassion, forgiveness and mercy.
I have lost many opportunities to engage with people I genuinely love. My intention moving forward is to be present to what is and stop searching every interaction with a negative bias, to notice the beauty in those I encounter.
This scares me, my inner little girl. I read this moving blogpost from a woman, Angeliska,
learning to self-mother/reparent herself. It is a poignant read that resonated deeply. Luckily for me I've got a tribe (a tribe a rarely reach out to, because of this fear) of support and Milo to help me on my way.
pictured: Milo
I've got work to do, but hey, I think this is why we're here.
